Ramblings of the sick

I very rarely write about myself on my blog.  Most of my posts concern my children and the goings-on in our home and life.  But every once in a while I am struck with the urge to become an open book.  Perhaps this feeling today comes from 2 weeks of feeling overall generally icky.  (I have had some problems with my ears and a possible sinus infection.)  When I am sick I tend toward being pensive, melancholy, or generally self-reflective.  Probably because I am thinking about the dishes that are still in the sink, the Goldfish crackers ground into the carpet in the living room, or the laundry laying in a heap on my bed waiting to be folded and put away, which ocaccsionally makes me feel like a failure as the homemaker and then the wheels start turning.  I instantly feel overwhelmed and down on myself.  So, why would these feelings make me want to be an open book?  Over the past year I have been introduced to NieNie, or Stephanie Nielson and her sister cjane.  I was introduced to them shortly after Stephanie and her husband Christian were in a plane crash.  I have recently started reading cjane's blog.  I have started by going back into her archives and reading from the time Stephanie had her accident.  Reading their posts have been an inspiration to me.  I have learned so much from their words and the perspective they have.  I have learned to enjoy life to the fullest and take time for the little things.  I have felt uplifted, comforted, and loved as I have read the words of people I have never met before.  But they have become a part of me.  I find myself thinking, "What would Nie do to make this more special."  She has made me want to be better.  She is truly an example to me.  But in order for me to get to know her, she has had to open herself up.  She shares her thoughts, her feelings, and what is most important to her.  She shows that the little things are not little.  Just this morning I was reading cjane's blog and her sister-in-law was a guest writer in an October 2008 post.  This sister-in-law wrote about perspective.  She said it is so easy to be down on ourselves because we haven't progressed, but it is all about perspective.  If we look at ourselves from day to day, we won't see the changes.  But if we look at ourselves from year to year we can see how we have grown.  I like that.  All too often I get down on myself for not doing something or being better at something.  That is what the past two weeks have been like.  I haven't felt well, so I let things slide a little.  Dishes one day.  Laundry the next.  Bathrooms?  Maybe later.  Exercise?  Nope, since I can't breath right now.  But day after day I look at myself and say "Geesh, are you ever going to do anything right?"  Harsh, maybe.  But sometimes we are our own worst critics.  Rambling, probably.  

So, next point.  I wrote a list of my dreams and aspirations in my last post.  Life changing goals they were not.  My dear brother responded to my list by asking if it is a bucket list.  To that I say no.  This list is about embracing the little things to make each day a little sweeter so that on this journey while I am working at reading my Ensign article everyday, I can enjoy some sweet moments dancing in the living room with my kids to the sweet melodies of my perfect playlist while wearing my purple slippers and pretending they are gorgeous, patent, red, peek-toe heels.  

Back to the "open book" thing...  I may be struggling a little today and the previous 14 days, but all is not lost.  It is after all only 10:30 in the morning.  I am going to turn on my tunes, do the dishes, and play some ABC Bingo with the kids.  I guess I just had a feeling that I wanted to have my heart be known and share my trials and joys, like Nie does, so that today when I am struggling to get the baked on dip out of the pan I will know somewhere out there someone understands me and hopefully loves me a little more because of it.

Sorry if this was confusing to you.  It made sense in my cold-medicine induced fogged mind. ;)