Christmas Eve

 This year Christmas Eve was so relaxed and just perfect.  Chant worked until 12:00 and then we made a "quick" stop at Smith's.  When we got home Chant and the kids made sugar cookies while I read The Forgotten Carols: A Christmas Miracle for Isaac and Eliza.  This is a tradition that is very special to me.  The Forgotten Carols have been a part of my Christmas since Micheal McLean first wrote them and started performing it.  I wanted to be able to share this tradition with my children, but the original book was too long.  I found this version for kids last year and I was thrilled.  While we read it, we listened to the carols and then I asked the kids questions about who was singing and what their song was about.  They get it.  And I love it!  I cried, like I always do, so Brinnley had to read the last page for me.

After dinner we opened our Christmas Eve present.  Jammies, of course!  It was so funny when Brinnley opened hers.  She got a sweatshirt and sweatpants.  There was a sticker on them that says, "NEW and IMPROVED FABRIC." Brinnley read that out loud with a surprised, enthusiastic voice.  It was awesome!    

Monkeys, of course.  And Toy Story.

After getting our jammies on, we all bundled up with blankets and got in the car to drive around and look at lights on houses.  We were in a neighborhood on the Herriman hill just driving slowly looking at houses.  We turned a corner and standing in someone's front lawn were 8 deer just munching on the grass and trees.  We were floored!  We watched them for a while before Chant rolled down the windows.  We were so quiet and we could hear the deer making that weird clicking sound.  After a while we kept driving and 4 more deer were in someone else's yard.  It was crazy!  The kids were so excited we got to see Santa's deer and they wanted to go home so they could get in bed.  They were afraid Santa would skip our house because they weren't in bed.  Such a magical memory.  Kids really do make Christmas!

Zander and the Tree

 This year our family welcomed our own Elf, Zander.  It was so fun for the kids to wake up and see where Zander was.  Some of the favorites places we found him was when he was riding on the duck, sitting in the wreath, and hanging out in the old milk bottle.  We were sad to see him go, but we look forward to seeing him next year.

 It was so fun for us to cut down our own tree again.  The last time we did we were living in Missouri and our tree was covered in Praying Mantises.  I loved having a real tree and the scent of pine.  Last year I got these cute mitten garlands and I love the way they look!  Such a nice change from tinsel.

We love you Zander!

Life

 I feel bad for Porter because I never posted a picture of him at Halloween.  He was the most handsome prince I've ever seen with his make-shift sword and shield. 

We had an awesome Thanksgiving at my parents home, but unfortunately I left the camera at home.  This is Porter's first year with a live tree and he loved tromping through the snow to find the perfect tree to cute down.

 Saturday, December 1st I was at Jenny's house for a sisters' crafting day when Chant called to tell me he had Porter at the ER getting stitches.  He tripped and fell into the corner of our bookcase.  He got 4 1/2 stitches (Dr. counted the double stitch as the half).  I made it back in before he got the stitches, so I was in the room with him holding his hand.  I was shocked because Porter held completely still.  I kid you not, the boy didn't move at all.  His eyes followed the needle as the doctor pulled it up, but that was it.  I was getting a little queasy, but I held my boy's hand and focused on his wrinkly little fingers.  We made it home 45 minutes before the ward Christmas party started.  He wanted to go, so we changed him out of his bloody shirt and off we went.

 I've been a little obsessed lately with hair tutorials.  Finally, I found someone who could explain the waterfall braid to me.  Brinnley is so patient while I watch my videos and then copy what I've seen on her and she is always excited to look in the mirror when I'm done.  She's started to have more of an opinion about her hair and tells me how to do it.  The half waterfall is a new favorite of hers.  I only do it on one side and then finish it off with a normal braid.  I love that she lets me experiment on her.  Ainsley only lets me try new things after I've done it on Brinnley and only if it looks cute.  Love these girls!

I am not alone

Something's been eating at me for a few weeks now.  Three Sundays ago I was asked to share an experience or time in my life when I felt my Savior's love for me in Relief Society.  I was honest and shared two very personal experiences when I knew without a doubt my Savior was with me, carrying me and strengthening me.  But when I sat down I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness.  I had cheated myself and those in the room.  I had shared those same experiences in a talk I gave at Young Women's in Excellence.  Although only three or four people in the room had been in attendance when I had previously shared those experiences, I felt like I had let them down.  I had denied them the opportunity to learn more about me and to let them know that I knew the Savior has touched my live since those experiences have happened.  But I was afraid.  The experience that initially came to mind felt too recent, too raw, too exposing. 

I have been thinking about this a lot, and then I read something on another blog today and this hit me so hard.  Maybe someone else would have benefited from hearing my experience that burned to be told.  Maybe there was someone going through a similar situation that could have related.  Maybe, I would have strengthened a friendship or made a new friendship by letting others see into my soul.  I have been so guarded in the thoughts I express and the way that I interact with others because I am afraid of judgement or being misunderstood.  And the result is I haven't made connections with as many people as I would have liked and those I have made friendships with, I feel I have short-changed.  I'm truly sorry for that, because by not being open myself I may not have allowed others to feel like they could share with me.  Relationships of all kinds require give and take.  I have been happy to take others' stories, but reluctant to give my own.  I didn't want to have this one thing define who I am, but in a way by not talking or letting others see there is more to me, I have let just that happen.  Hopefully I am not the only one who is constantly in need of reevaluating who I am, what my self-worth is.  Or maybe I really am that slow of a learner. 

I still don't quite know my purpose, but I do know this.  I know that my Heavenly Father and my Savior are aware of me.  I have seen miracles in my life, from the seemingly small to the extraordinary and every one of them has softened my heart and reminded me that I am of worth, that I am His daughter and He is aware of me and that my brother and Savior suffered for me, not only for my sins, but for my sorrows as well.  I know that He cries when I cry and His heart hurts when I am hurting.  I feel His love for me.  So even as I struggle with trials I know I am not alone.  And my circle of comfort could be larger, if I would open myself and let others in.  I don't have to carry these burdens on my own.  My Savior helps make the burdens on my back lighter, but that load would be even less if I would let others put their arms around me and help lift me up.  So to those of you who have tried, I thank you for not giving up.  I'm trying to do and be better. 

You Better Not Cry!

Last night we had a wonderful Christmas party at Oma and Opa's house.  Ainsley was so sad to leave and she was crying really hard.  We thought turning on music would help.  It happened to be Justin Bieber's Christmas album.  Porter has that thing memorized.  He was getting really frustrated that Ainsley wouldn't stop crying.  After a couple songs he said, "Turn it to number 4!"  That song is Santa Cluas is Coming to Town.  Porter started singing along and he turned and sang to Ainsley "You better watch out, you better not cry."  But she kept on crying.  Porter, in a very exasperated voice said, "Well that didn't work!"  Chant and I were dying laughing.  Towards the end of the song Ainsley started to calm down and when she finally quit crying Porter threw his fist in the air Rocky Style and said, "Finally!"  Oh he was cracking us up!  Love that little boy!